Friday, August 1, 2008


Some things that have crossed my hyper-active since birth mind today...

How the fuck did Mummy III get greenlighted? A terra-cotta clay coated evil emperor is not a mummy. Aforementioned emperor requested eternal life from a witch who grants him eternal life as a statue. Obviously this evil emperor did not comprehend the phrase, caveat emptor. Probably because he was an ancient Chinese emperor and not a Roman one. The wonderful Michelle Yeoh is forced to say lines like "The Yetis will help!" The Abominable Snowman in a Mummy movie?!

Mummy review in Ain't it Cool News.

How the hell did this happen? A man was decapitated on a Greyhound bus traveling across the Canadian Prairies. Now people this batshit crazy usually give some indication of their state before they start eviscerating their fellow humans on public transportation. Didn't this guy have concerned teachers? Worried parents? Terrified and scarred for life siblings, cousins, classmates? I knew my godbrother was a budding sociopath when I was six, and he tortured animals. He still frightens me. I was certain of it when I caught him going through my mother's lingerie drawers when I was around nine, and he was twelve, and rubbing her undergarments on his face. I fully expect to turn on the news and see Fat Bastard frogmarched into a waiting police van someday as the horrified cops try not to get too close while they are doing it. He lives with my godmother-his mother, and she caters to his every whim, and well...sort of watches him, all the while never admitting her first-born is not right. Is denial the common denominator of all families of the criminally insane?

Why are the sexual assault stats in the military
so HIGH?

Why is it that Bridezillas get some of the best men? Why do they get a man at all? These women only really want the big show, not the marriage. People who get maniacally into the details of an event that lasts an average of six hours have a problem. I have never wanted a big showy, over-the-top wedding...cheapens something that should be personal and treasured. All my grandparents eloped, and perhaps eighty percent of my friends who have healthy relationships. I like the way Quakers marry. I love the Scots tradition of handfasting. Hold my hand, looking into my eyes, make your commitment to me in an intimate way.

Why does chocolate taste so good when you have your period?

Why are German tourists so rude?

Why the hell would anyone want vaginal plastic surgery? Why would anyone go to this doctor to have their vaginas get "personal training"?

When are the children named Indiana and Dow Jones going to turn shotguns on their parents?


Dave B. said...

I know these questions are seemingly rhetorical, but, the answers are!

1. Mummy 3 got greenlighted because Hollywood is full of money-grubbing morons and the general populace is too stupid to know they're being robbed. I won't even go into improper depiction of Chinese dragons and, I'm guessing, the Disney-like historical accuracy.

2. See Carlin's 'Extreme Human Behavior' off of "Life is Worth Losing". It'll explain everything.

3. No idea. Unless you care to speculate that the military is more than likely going to be made up of those who aren't necessarily intellectual advanced. Not that I'm trashing the troops, but let's be realistic. Think 'reptilian brain'.

4. Why? Because most men think with their shlongs and see some gorgeous thing and try to look past the petty, disgusting horseshit because she's got a slamming body (that'll look like cow leather in 15 years).

5. Chocolate is a comfort food. I do the same thing. *snicker*

6. They're rude because they can't come to terms with the logic of the blue-eyed blonde perfect race being led by a brunette with a Charlie Chan mustache. And we are a fat, lazy culture, and it probably repulses them.

7. Surgically implanted baboon vaginas! On sale now!

8. Soon as they're old enough to work at Wal-Mart and get that employee discount on a $200 shotgun. (Even though machetes are seven bucks and just as effective.)

Great tune above, too. Listened to it while typing this blather. :D

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

Thanks. Elvis rules.

And only one of the Bridezillas I personally know is hot. I feel sorry for her. It backfired, he is obsessed with her and will hurt her if she leaves. She told me she regretted the decision and feared him the next year.